fears

Today I ran farther than the Pi Mile. It's about time I add some distance on to my runs...this is how it went:

Started off at Turner, walking towards campus. There's a guy walking a couple paces ahead of me.

Security guard: Where are you sleeves?!

Me: Huh? Oh! I'm going for a run, I won't be cold.

Security guard: Oh no! You need sleeves!

A couple more paces and I catch up to the guy, who turns around and looks at me.

Guy: Aren't you cold?

Me: Yeah, but I'll be running soon, and then I won't be cold.

Guy: Ah...I guess when I go hiking I don't wear sleeves even when it's cold or then I'll just be wet and cold.

Me: Yeah, see you get it!

Guy: Are you an intern?

Me: No! I work here (notice that he's looking at my GT shirt). I graduated from Tech so I like to run here after work.

Guy: Ah, so you must have gotten that shirt a long time ago.

Then he asks me what sorority I'm in, I find out what fraternity he's in. We figure out what networks we work for. We part ways at 10th and Fowler and the Pi Mile begins. It is so painful. My legs feel like bricks! But I can do this!

It's pretty slow going til I get to the CRC and a nice long downhill. Then I discover I have a big pet peeve while running. People asking directions! This car pulls over, and some girl beckons to me. I'm like....hello!!! I'm running away from you, I'm breathing heavily, I'm trying to focus on running. Ask someone else!!! She's like, where's the library? You really think I can give you detailed directions to the library while I'm running past you and breathing hard. All I can muster is a point to the left and "the other way." I hope she found it. But I hope no one ever asks me for directions again while I'm running!

After this, I feel pretty good, guess my legs finally warmed up! I make it back to 10th Street and decide, today is the day I am going to go past the Pi Mile. 10th & Fowler is approaching...I turn the corner to keep going!

Then, I immediately hit a wall. Mentally mostly. I guess I just got too used to 10th & Fowler being the end. First, my brain said, no way. Then my legs said, do we really have to? My hands said, we are so numb we're going to fall off. Yeah, my hands were frozen. I don't need sleeves but next time I definitely need gloves!

So I ran another mile or so and approached 10th & Fowler again to finish. Phew! My legs were hurting so bad! I don't know why...it was just an extra mile but it was a doozie. A pretty big hill & getting colder by the minute. But I made it! But...can I do it again tomorrow?

Which brings me to my fears...my first race is just a few weeks away. I'm only up to 4 miles - can I really do 6.2? Should I push myself harder? It's for a good cause, so I know it doesn't matter if I I run the whole thing or not, but if you know me, you know I hate to do anything without putting in 100%. I want to run the whole thing, I want to complete it. I hope that I can!

Then I have this other irrational fear. Can I run a race without music? I hate hearing the sound of my feet pounding the pavement and my breath all heavy...I love to hear music and drown out the fact that I'm working so hard.

These fears...so silly. But so real! Do you ever feel like the little fears are more real than the big fears we have some times? Or the little fears are just indicative of our secret big fears. Because I think about these silly fears - I'm really just scared of failure! Scared of not completing things. I like closure, I like feeling like I finished & accomplished something.